15th February 2014




Genesis Of Emptiness.


Each day passes one much the same as another, neither good nor bad; tolerable. I'm looking through the back window, twisted in my seat, I see you standing at the side of the road, not moving.

 Still.

You don't wave or smile, you just stand motionless staring right at me. Swimming into those familiar eyes I look back, into that place behind your eyes, frustration lurks there, hope, smudged out like a thumb print in soft clay, despair, but mostly disappointment. An idle Zephyr moves a lock of your Blonde hair across your face but you don't move.You stand there and I'm moving away, I try to reach out to you but it's useless, yearning fingers collide numbly with the clear glass that separates me from the void between us. You were here beside me, side by side we were travelling together, shoulder to shoulder, but you stopped. You stopped and I'm moving away. I thought maybe I should stop too, maybe I could join you at the side of the road, be together again.  I seized the thought and squeezed it hard, it, it didn't take long to work out how, I wasn't scared. Yet it didn't seem right, not so much wrong but not the right time.

 I look at you through the back window, as I'm moving away, I picture your smile, the one that made it so easy to pick you out in the middle of a hundred crowded sun loungers on a Dominican beach, I see you trailing your feet in clear Blue Ocean as we sail a tiny Catamaran past faded sugar plantations off the coast of Barbados. I hear you gasp at the magnificence of the sunrise from the summit of Blue Mountain Peak and feel the trembling electricity as we shared an ethereal sunset with a hundred thousand ghosts on top of the ancient and sacred Pyramid of the moon. 

 You're growing smaller, the shadows are getting longer. There was always something I wanted to tell you but I could never find the words, when I tried, you'd smile, and say "I know", but that didn't cool the fever of wanting to tell you. I look out the back window you're so far away now, the far side of the universe is nearer. Sometimes in the late summer evenings when the sun sinks low and begins to dip below the hazy horizon and all of nature is gilded with golden sunlight, when the sunbeams are soft and sleepy and they move slower than usual, I imagine you then, fabulous, head thrown back, all care cast aside, your heart full of laughter and mischief, starlight twinkling in your eyes, riding on a golden ray of sunshine.

 I miss you telling me you love me. One day I'll make sense of all this. I'll find the words.

Today is a new day, it's likely that at its close it will be much the same as other days, but I cannot let this day pass unmarked, today is not just another day, a little steeper, a little rockier, it's a hard place on a hard road.